Gerry Harvey Calls for Internet Ban

At a news conference today, retail billionaire Gerry Harvey called for sweeping legislative changes to combat online buying by Australian consumers. These include banning the internet in Australia and detaining online consumers in re-education centres on Manus Island.

“I’m terrified,” stated Harvey repeatedly. “We’re just ordinary Australians who have to pay our Australian tax minimisation accountants and support our ex-wives and racing stables. For decades we have been able to buy cheap Chinese crap and flog it off to Aussie consumers for massive mark ups and no one’s been the wiser. Now any tool who has a computer can find the same stuff online at a fraction of our prices.

“We need to turn the clock back. We need to get all the people who have bought online in re-education centres and hypnotise them so they forget how to do it. Then we have to turn off the internet so no one else can find out how much money we’re making.

“I mean you guys,” declared Harvey gesturing to the assembled journalists, “are only reporting 100% mark ups. What about the 1500 to 2000% profit we make on peripherals like HDMI cables? Can you imagine the anger out there if some idiot in Australian retail told you about that?

“…Oh shit.”

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